That's what I've
been feeling for the past 5 months. Isolated. Having a sick toddler
means that we can't go about our regular schedules. I can't expose
her to other children. And I often catch whatever she has. (Strep
twice in one month, c'mon!) Then a week or two later, we start the
same cycle all over again. I've been looking into all kinds of
solutions/remedies. Maybe one will work. In the meantime, I
struggle to be a good mom. The days are long, and I look at the
clock and inwardly groan. My daughter is a delight. She makes me
laugh out loud, but there are times when I feel as though I cannot
pretend to have another cupcake party. It's mind-numbing monotony.
I seriously feel like my brain cells are slowly dying off one by one.
Stir crazy doesn't even begin to describe it.
I run to the Lord
and beg Him to give my life meaning. I am hungry for more. Why is
it that raising a child and, therefore, leaving a legacy, feels so
empty? It's incredibly important, but in the day-to-day, there is no
weight to it. It's clear in times like this, that I need a break.
But it's incredibly hard to get one. My husband is deployed, my
babysitter isn't the easiest to schedule, and I have a hard time
relaxing when I am away. Why does it take work to relax???
I know this is a
season, but honestly, that doesn't always help. I can't always see
beyond the here and now. I'm in this season, I can't see
further than this season. I need God to be real to me, to
meet the needs that I cannot meet in the typical ways to which I am
accustomed (like going to Bible study, having a playdate with
friends, etc). These are the days I feel like a slave to the baby
monitor and a toddler's whims.
This deployment is
almost over. It may seem like it will never end. But it will. God is good. No matter what.
P.S. I promise the
next post will be more uplifting, even if it takes me another 6 months to write!
