My God Redeems

I apologize for not updating sooner. Redeployment, block leave, PCSing, etc. have all happened in the last few months, and I've neglected some things. However, I cannot possibly share about all of that before I first explain how God redeemed this last deployment. Although in my last post, I felt like it would never end, I soon began to feel relief as the Lord answered my prayers. But first a little background...

During the second half of the deployment, I attended a Beth Moore Bible study at PWOC called Believing God. While I wasn't able to attend every session due to aforementioned illnesses, I did keep up with my homework and watched the videos online. Through this study, the Lord taught me many things. The most powerful part occurred one week when Beth Moore told us to do a timeline of our lives, even from before we were Christians. In this timeline, we had to record major events, as well as people God used or ways He was working, sometimes behind the scenes. This was such an encouraging activity, and I highly encourage you to write one yourself, especially if you are in a challenging season of life. As I was completing my timeline, deployments were a common theme, and things I had not thought about in years came back, reminding me of God's faithfulness. It brought me renewed peace and deeper hope.

As I was doing this homework, the end of the deployment was drawing closer and my husband and I began discussing when he might come home. We knew this was a year-long deployment, despite the fact that most other units were now serving 9 months overseas. Of course, my husband had to be in the unit that was the exception. While I was prepared to go the whole year, and possibly even longer (since you never know what the Army will throw at you), I was not prepared for the news my husband gave me one day while we were chatting online. I had been praying big prayers in my Bible study that semester and never doubted God, but I did doubt the reality of what happened next. My husband said he had good news. This could range from passing his PT test to having time to play soccer that day. However, on this day, good news meant that he had been approved to come home on an earlier flight! This flight would bring him back a month earlier than was expected. I was overjoyed at the news, not just to have my husband home sooner, which would be reason enough. This earlier timeline would also mean we would have more time before PCSing, and it would be right around my daughter's 2^nd birthday which I had been very upset about him missing. In addition, my mom would be staying with us so she would be able to take care of my daughter while my husband and I could get some much needed alone time. My God is a Redeemer in every sense of the word!

You see, if you've followed my story from our last deployment, you know that my husband had been extended a month longer than the 1 year mark during his second tour in Iraq. It was a very difficult time for me, after what had been a mostly successful deployment. The extension had long-term effects on me, teaching me to never count on the Army's timing. 

Although this 3^rd deployment was much tougher in many ways, God redeemed it. He gave me back that month that I lost in the 2^nd deployment by bringing my husband home an entire month earlier in the 3^rd deployment! Had I not done the timeline in my Bible study homework, these details would not have been as fresh on my mind. God is a master orchestrator, fine-tuning all the minute details of our lives to show His power. I love it when God decides to show off! How I pray He would do it more!

Will This Ever End?

It has been quite some time since I updated. DD and I have been sick every month since Christmas. It's been quite discouraging, and as a result, I feel as though I don't have anything positive to offer. I'm still trying to find the lesson in this myself so what good does it do to write a blog that just spews complaints? Probably not much good, but maybe it will help someone feel less alone.

That's what I've been feeling for the past 5 months. Isolated. Having a sick toddler means that we can't go about our regular schedules. I can't expose her to other children. And I often catch whatever she has. (Strep twice in one month, c'mon!) Then a week or two later, we start the same cycle all over again. I've been looking into all kinds of solutions/remedies. Maybe one will work. In the meantime, I struggle to be a good mom. The days are long, and I look at the clock and inwardly groan. My daughter is a delight. She makes me laugh out loud, but there are times when I feel as though I cannot pretend to have another cupcake party. It's mind-numbing monotony. I seriously feel like my brain cells are slowly dying off one by one. Stir crazy doesn't even begin to describe it. 

 

I run to the Lord and beg Him to give my life meaning. I am hungry for more. Why is it that raising a child and, therefore, leaving a legacy, feels so empty? It's incredibly important, but in the day-to-day, there is no weight to it. It's clear in times like this, that I need a break. But it's incredibly hard to get one. My husband is deployed, my babysitter isn't the easiest to schedule, and I have a hard time relaxing when I am away. Why does it take work to relax???

I know this is a season, but honestly, that doesn't always help. I can't always see beyond the here and now. I'm in this season, I can't see further than this season. I need God to be real to me, to meet the needs that I cannot meet in the typical ways to which I am accustomed (like going to Bible study, having a playdate with friends, etc). These are the days I feel like a slave to the baby monitor and a toddler's whims.

This deployment is almost over. It may seem like it will never end. But it will.  God is good.  No matter what.

P.S. I promise the next post will be more uplifting, even if it takes me another 6 months to write!

Up's and Down's



Deployments have their ups and downs. One huge “up” is R&R. These days with deployments being shortened to 9 months, not everyone gets it. Those of us lucky(?) enough to still do a year do get that time to reconnect with our spouse. During this particular deployment, R&R came just 4 months in – not exactly ideal if you're trying to break up the time. But God knew this was the perfect time for us. It was over Thanksgiving and just before Christmas, easy enough to celebrate both (which we did). For our little family, this meant a lot of fun packed into 2 weeks. Not only that, but being that we live in a state with bipolar weather patterns, we had days warm enough to go to the zoo and cold enough to play in the snow. The Lord orchestrated every moment, every detail to bring us closer together as a family. If you ever doubt how intimately God is involved in your life, I can give you several examples of how closely connected He is to our goings and comings.



Picking Daddy up from the airport

Zoo Fun

Snow Day

Yet even before R&R started, I dreaded the end. I worried how DD would react to DH leaving again. I stressed over how I would cope and get back to our routine. I bemoaned the fact that we weren't even halfway through this thing, and it would be quite a few more months (double what we'd already done, in fact) before we were reunited. I did not want to miss the joy, the connection, the memories, but my emotions overwhelmed me when I thought beyond the present moment.

 

Then I realized. I had to live R&R the same way I live every other day of this deployment – one day at a time. There simply is no other way to live, even when it's a “good” time. If I thought of the end, I wouldn't get to experience the elation of the beginning. If I thought of the goodbye, I wouldn't be able to revel in the anticipation of the welcome home. I had to make a conscious effort not to think beyond the present. It was hard, especially for a planner like me. There were times I would have to physically move to change my thoughts. But when I lived that day and that day only, I was so much happier, so much more content, so much more thankful, so much more present. My husband was appreciative too. He doesn't want to be reminded that he has to go back. Who does?!

Early Christmas

God continues to teach me (even in the good times) to rely on Him – not on circumstances, not on people, definitely not on feelings, not even on facts. He is the only One who can sustain me through the ebb and flow of life and keep me whole (/sane!) But I have to make the choice to surrender to Him, to look at just what He puts in front of me – not what's behind or 5 days in the future – and I have to look at how His hand never lets go of me, no matter how hard (or easy) it looks. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Heb 13:8). And He will never leave me (Deut 31:6). Not when it's good, not when it's bad, not when it's easy, not when it's hard. Not when DH deploys, not during R&R, not when DH goes back, not when DH comes home. Never, never, never.

How God Deals with Fear

A dark cloud. Heaviness. Oppression. Depression. Just couldn't shake the ominous, negative feeling I was having. It seemed to start when a woman in my Bible study admitted she had to have a very honest conversation with her six year old son. He asked about the reality of his deployed father coming home, and she told him there was no guarantee. This, of course, sparked further discussion and weeks of reassurances in their family. In my own heart, I began to seriously contemplate having this conversation with my daughter (when she is much older, of course), and I literally began to feel sick to my stomach. I honestly don't know if I can ever have that conversation. And perhaps, God wouldn't have it happen in quite that way in our family. Who knows.

The point is that I began to spiral downward fast. Over and over again I was hearing messages at church or Bible study, or reading in books that although God is good, there is no guarantee that our lives will be. Bad things happen to Christians just as often, if not more, than to unbelievers. This was not news to me, but it hit me much harder this time with all the repetition of this same message and my current life situation (i.e. deployment).

I began wondering if God was preparing me for something tragic to occur. Of course, I was totally missing the point. The point that I didn't need to fear those things because God would still be with me, He would see me through it. But rather than focusing on that, I chose to dwell on the negative, fearful things that could happen...maybe, possibly. The thing is I didn't feel like I was choosing it. I just felt miserable. Everything seemed to remind me of looming tragedy, from the songs we sang at church to TV shows I watched in an effort to escape my seemingly horrible reality.

As I began to analyze what was happening, I started to think of ways I could break free of the oppression. I couldn't stay like this.  I had to do something!  I started a praise devotional that encouraged me to listen to specific worship songs and journal details of how God was blessing me. The pages I read talked about worshiping God for who He is, in spite of the bad things in our lives.  Not as helpful as I hoped.  Then I started to throw my energy into making a really creative care package for DH. Doing things for others often helps me get out of a funk. Instead, a voice inside my head said, “you're doing all this work, but he may never even get it.” Matters were made worse when I skyped with him, and he told me he was going to be traveling. Fear seized my heart. My mind said, “this is it.”

In an effort to yet again escape these thoughts, which I knew were not of God, I called godly friends who encouraged me and prayed for me. It helped temporarily, but then my mind turned to a new direction – what if the tragedy God was seemingly preparing me for looked totally different. What if it was cancer or death of one of my close family members - my brother or parents? I began to envision horrible scenarios of heart-breaking phone calls. I prayed over and over, spent time in God's Word, took walks with DD, surrounded myself with people, and tried to eat more healthy, all in an effort to shake this. Yet nothing seemed to work. I began to think I may have to go back on anti-depressants because I surely could not live long-term like this.

It wasn't until the next Sunday when I heard yet another message of how God would be my shelter in the storm, that it finally clicked. I don't know what was specifically said, but I finally got it. The Lord broke through all of my pessimism, worry, and fear, shouting above the noise in my heart, that I didn't have to fear the storm. I didn't have to fear the war. He would always be with me. (We sang this song that summed it all perfectly). At that moment, peace flooded my heart and pushed out all the negative thoughts and feelings. I felt free. Free to live my life without fear of what might happen. Because it might actually never happen. And if it does, the Lord will carry me through the way He has helped me through everything else in my life, the way He has helped millions of others who experience tragedy daily.

This doesn't mean I won't pray my heart out  for protection of my family or won't every worry again. For example, DH never went on that trip, and I only just found out it was because the risk was so high, no one could leave the FOB. So when DH told me the next time he did have to travel, I worried. But God is faithful to remind me of this new lesson and teach me to trust Him afresh. He also continues to put this verse on my heart – Philippians 4:8 – and prods me to apply it diligently, even when I don't feel like it. It's a work in progress. I'm a work in progress, but I feel so much lighter and praise Him for His intimate involvement in my life. He sees me, and He sees you too.

Temporary Relief

During deployment, it is always helpful to have things to look forward to. For me, this usually involves a visit from family or close friends. In the past 3 months, DD and I have been blessed with 2 visits – one from my mom and the other from my college roommate and dear friend, who is really closer to a sister.

My mom's visit came first, not long after DD and I got over our sicknesses (see previous post). It was such a joy to have her here. She helped in so many ways. I cannot possibly describe them all, but I'll try so you can see how amazing she is. Not only did she clean up our messes, prepare our meals, play with DD, take us shopping, and give lots of hugs and kisses, she also spent quality time listening to my fears, worries, hopes, and goals. When my mom visits, I can let down. The weight of the world no longer hunches my shoulders. I can be calm and relaxed, not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel at peace and reassured. There is no feeling like it!

DD very happy to play with Grammy

The hard part comes when she has to go home. It takes several hours, sometimes several days, to readjust. I have a temporary panicky feeling that I can't do it. I can't do it by myself. It was so much easier with my mom here. But the Lord reminds me that He has not left me. Not only that, but this is the way it is supposed to be. I am an adult with a daughter of my own. My mom can't always be with me (though she is always there for me). She has raised me to be a strong, independent, capable woman. And I must make her proud. But how thankful I am for the relief her visits provide!

Not long after I readjusted and returned to my routine, my college bestie came to visit. The feelings were similar. It was a party every day! We laughed and cried, shared our hearts and our lives in ways you can't replicate over the telephone. She met DD for the first time, and they were fast friends. Her visit was therapy to my wearied soul.

Fast friends

3 happy girls

Yet again when she had to leave, there was a readjustment period. The house was quieter. Nights were lonely again. Reality didn't sink back in, it pummeled me. The end of each visit is another goodbye that serves to remind me of the goodbye I had to say to my husband. The pain comes rushing back until I acknowledge it and affirm that yes, this is a hard time, but it is not impossible. If it weren't so difficult, I wouldn't be able to fully enjoy the satisfying wholeness that these visits bring. So while when they end, I feel loss, I would not trade their restorative power for anything. Not only do they give me something to look forward to, they help me persevere. They are a glimpse of God's love for me, how He sustains me even in the midst.

Challenges

Within the first 2 months of DH's deployment, many of the things I worried about happened. First, DD got sick, and not just a cold but croup. She couldn't sleep, and as a result, neither could I. The few minutes of sleep she could get required me to hold her in her room. I never seem to be able to sleep that way. If I tried putting her down, she would cry, which would kickstart a coughing fit. Then I'd have to pick her back up, take her into a steamy bathroom to get the cough to stop, and rock her once she was calm enough to go back to sleep. By day 3, I was exhausted. We'd already been to the doctor who gave DD a steroid, but improvement was not quick to follow. The less sleep I got, the worse I began to feel. Soon enough, I, too, was sick.

Trying to have fun while sick

I remembered thinking before DH even left, what am I going to do when I get sick and still have to take care of DD, especially if she too is sick? Well, about 6 weeks into the deployment, I found out! So what did I do? Honestly, I lived moment to moment, cried, prayed, took Dayquil 24/7, and held my daughter as often as she needed. Thankfully, and this was God's grace to me in the midst of a hard time, I was not so sick that I couldn't take care of DD. It was a cold, and I could manage a cold.

Finally, after about 8 very long days, the croup cough left, and I rejoiced. A few more days stuck inside to make sure she was truly symptom free, and we could finally leave our house again. That was the hardest part for me – not being around people. I was so isolated, and it was very challenging to keep my spirits up.

About a week and a half went by when we were able to engage in our usual activities again – Gymboree, MOPS, PWOC, play dates, etc. But then DD got a runny nose and another cough. Ugh! It felt like were never going to be well! And wouldn't you know it, just as we were starting to feel better, the dog got sick. His eyes rolled back into his head, he was shaking, and very, very lethargic. So an hour before bedtime on a Saturday night, I loaded DD and the dog into the car and headed to an emergency vet. After all this, I couldn't handle my dog dying on me – not this soon into the deployment.

So glad to be back at Gymboree!

Thankfully, the vet was gracious and didn't take too long to examine Calvin and decide his eyes were probably just inflamed. They sent us home with some eye drops and told us to return the next day to re-check his eyes, if they were still rolled back. By the following morning, praise God! His eyes were normal, and he was back to his energetic, hungry self.

About a week later, I decided to take Calvin to the groomer because bathing him was just another thing on my to-do list that never got checked off. While he was at the groomer, I planned for DD and I to go shop for a new laptop because in the midst of all this, not only my laptop but my desktop computer decided to break. Since that is how I communicate with DH, that had to be remedied quickly!

Well, I'm sure you know where this is going...

When I started the car, it wouldn't crank, and I noticed a warning light on the dash. I just wanted to throw my hands into the air and say, “what next, God?” So after I did that, I ran through all the options in my head for how to get this fixed. DD and I went inside, and I called the car dealership to schedule an appointment, trying to simultaneously be thankful that at least DH's car was working.

Love my car, but love it more when it's working

I was anxious about taking my car to get serviced (yet another thing I had worried about before DH left) because DD's new car seat was not the easiest to uninstall/install from car to car. But thankfully, she is still small enough to fit in her infant seat which is easy to install/uninstall so I was able to use that when we dropped off my car and took a shuttle home. So the huge deal I had made in my head was really not that big at all.

From sicknesses to vets to computers to cars, I just had to smile (after I cried). God knew my fears, and He wanted to show me, very early on in this deployment, that they were unwarranted. He was and is going to see me through each and every time. As the song says, He'll never let go, through every high and every low.

So now DD is cutting 3 molars all at one time and is very cranky. The dog throws up at least once a day, and the service engine light in DH's car is now on. I sigh, try not to cry, and thank God that He's got this one too. But most of all, He's got us. He's taking care of us, regardless of the circumstance. He is good. All the time. And all the time. He is good.

What a Difference a Week Makes

One of the hardest parts for me when first starting a deployment is getting used to the new normal.  All of my routines seem tarnished by the absence of my sweet husband.  While in theory it should only affect my night time and weekend routines, deployment actually affects every part of my day.  This is because from the moment we say goodbye, the weight of the world is on my shoulders.  Or so it feels.

My husband once told me about an article he read regarding decision-making and how with each decision we make, we become more and more apathetic.  Each choice we make requires so much brain power and energy that we are simply too exhausted by the end of the day to feel passionately enough to make yet another call.  I feel that this aptly sums up the life of a spouse with a deployed soldier, especially one who is also a mom.

While it's true that you want to keep your husband as involved as possible, it's not always easy when you have to make a split-second decision.  And at the beginning of a deployment, there is a lot of adjusting to this new pressure.  You can't just call or text and find out what he thinks.  It's all up to you.

This was epitomized for me the day after DH left.  It was a Sunday, and I was already dreading going to church and sitting by myself. I remembered all too well what that felt like.  Well, DD decided not to take her morning nap that day, and I struggled with the decision of whether we should still go to church, knowing it would be hours (by the time we got home) since she'd slept.  Now, this may seem like a petty problem, but to me it was huge.  Not only that, but it was Sunday.  My husband should have been home to help me make the call.

Ready for church...nap or no nap

I ended up taking her to church, praying she would be ok in the nursery.  I nervously dropped her off, explained she hadn't napped, and told them to call me if she got too fussy.

Then I walked into the sanctuary and found a spot for solitary me.  Then wouldn't you know?  The first song we sang was "Your Grace is Enough."  I balled like a baby.  So much so that a woman came up to me to make sure I was ok.  I felt like such a fool.  Totally embarrassed!  I reassured her I was fine and tried to pull it together the rest of the service.  DD ended up making it through the whole time, and we went home.  I was exhausted, but we were ok.  I began to realize that the Lord was going to see me through this, even when I felt like I was making a "wrong" decision.

Over the next several days, I continued to strive for a new normal.  Since DH was still in transit, I had no idea when or if I'd hear from him so I began to have quite a close relationship with my cell phone, just in case.  He was faithful to cal or write and keep me updated.

Finally, he got to his destination and within a few days, we were able to Skype.  He was incredibly busy, and the time difference made it even harder.  But DH is so committed to us and does his best to connect with us in some way virtually every day, barring a power outage.

After about a week, we managed to find our rhythm.  By the next Sunday, going to church, I already felt as though we had established new routines and were settling into the new challenges we faced.  Although there were still a million decisions to be made, the pressure and weight of those choices seemed to dissipate.  God reminded me that even though I couldn't always ask my husband, I could always ask Him.