Friday, May 16, 2014

Will This Ever End?

It has been quite some time since I updated. DD and I have been sick every month since Christmas. It's been quite discouraging, and as a result, I feel as though I don't have anything positive to offer. I'm still trying to find the lesson in this myself so what good does it do to write a blog that just spews complaints? Probably not much good, but maybe it will help someone feel less alone.

That's what I've been feeling for the past 5 months. Isolated. Having a sick toddler means that we can't go about our regular schedules. I can't expose her to other children. And I often catch whatever she has. (Strep twice in one month, c'mon!) Then a week or two later, we start the same cycle all over again. I've been looking into all kinds of solutions/remedies. Maybe one will work. In the meantime, I struggle to be a good mom. The days are long, and I look at the clock and inwardly groan. My daughter is a delight. She makes me laugh out loud, but there are times when I feel as though I cannot pretend to have another cupcake party. It's mind-numbing monotony. I seriously feel like my brain cells are slowly dying off one by one. Stir crazy doesn't even begin to describe it. 
I run to the Lord and beg Him to give my life meaning. I am hungry for more. Why is it that raising a child and, therefore, leaving a legacy, feels so empty? It's incredibly important, but in the day-to-day, there is no weight to it. It's clear in times like this, that I need a break. But it's incredibly hard to get one. My husband is deployed, my babysitter isn't the easiest to schedule, and I have a hard time relaxing when I am away. Why does it take work to relax???

I know this is a season, but honestly, that doesn't always help. I can't always see beyond the here and now. I'm in this season, I can't see further than this season. I need God to be real to me, to meet the needs that I cannot meet in the typical ways to which I am accustomed (like going to Bible study, having a playdate with friends, etc). These are the days I feel like a slave to the baby monitor and a toddler's whims.

This deployment is almost over. It may seem like it will never end. But it will.  God is good.  No matter what.

P.S. I promise the next post will be more uplifting, even if it takes me another 6 months to write!