However, since DH
returned just prior to a PCS, we never really got back to “normal”
in the Army world. He did his 10 days of reintegration, a few days
of work, block leave, and then we moved. It was a lot of change all
at once.
DH (if you
remember from previous posts) was selected for ACS (Advanced Civil
Schooling), which basically means the Army would pay for him to get
his master's degree as a full-time student. Accepted into a graduate
program at a prestigious engineering school in the south, we
relocated there just one month after his homecoming.
Despite the trials
and hardships of moving across county, we were so excited to be
together again with the promise of much family time – nothing like
what it would have been like had we stayed where we were or moved to
another post. No, this new season (graduate school) would be almost
pure relaxation. After all, I married a brilliant man so it's not
like he would have to study or anything. He would just go to class,
do a little homework, and spend the rest of the time with DD and I
making fun memories. Or so I thought...
I had a rude
awakening about a month into the semester. DH was working late into
the night and on weekends, coding or talking to group members about
the latest project. It was terrible! There were no boundaries on
when work began and when it ended. It just seemed to take over! My
emotions did the same.
I was not happy.
This is not what we signed up for, not what we expected. I knew my
husband wasn't a workaholic, but I was beginning to wonder if he was
turning into one. Was this a side effect of deployment? I knew he
always worked hard and did his best, but this seemed all-consuming.
I knew he wasn't trying to neglect us, but that is exactly how I felt
– neglected.
I had just spent
the last year alone, single-parenting our 2 year old. Was this just
going to continue? Him leading his life and me leading mine? What
about our marriage? What about working together? What about living
life together?
I talked with DH
and tried to express my frustration. He, of course, did not enjoy
working these long hours but insisted it was what was required. 4
graduate level classes that were essentially all project-based
required more time than he was even currently giving. He was already
sacrificing to spend time with us. And here I was the needy wife, constantly
asking for more. Poor guy!
DH did the best he
could, trying to do as much work during the week and saving weekends
for family time. There were some weekends, however, when work had to
come first, and I sulked. (I don't recommend that). It was a very
trying time, but a breakthrough finally came when I talked with one
of my dearest friends about the struggle.
She reminded me
that my husband was in the Army and had just returned from a
year-long deployment, where for all intents and purposes, he just had
to take care of himself and do his job. Now he was home with not
just a wife but a toddler as well. Not to mention the fact that his
identity as an officer in the Army was essentially non-existent. He
was a full-time student, fully immersed in a foreign world and one he
did not fully enjoy or understand. Talk about light bulbs going on
in my head! Of course! I needed to stop being selfish, take a step
back, see things from his perspective, and give him GRACE! Was it ok
to tell him I missed spending time with him and hoped we could do
something together soon? Yes. But I did not need to complain or
pout, even if it meant not getting a break from the endless “why”
questions of a two year old.
How I am grateful
for honest friends who hold me accountable and give me an outside
perspective. Thanks be to God for not letting me continue in my sin
but providing a way out (1 Cor. 10:13) and showing me how to build up
and encourage my husband instead.
As a result of all
this, I began praying more for my husband, specifically in the area
of time management. I found a babysitter we could schedule weekly so
we could attend a small group at our church and/or go on dates. That
combined with changing my expectations and re-framing the situation
made a world of difference. I still messed up from time to time, but
my conscience was seared and I was quicker to amend the grievance.
Our relationship as husband and wife began to deepen, once again, and
I began to see things more clearly instead of constantly taking them
personally. By Christmas, though we were both exhausted and spent,
we had a renewed attitude for the upcoming semester.
I truly believe I
might not have come to the same conclusion without the timely wisdom
of my friend's gentle rebuke. And what a waste of time and what
destruction I could have caused. I am so thankful that did not
happen. The Lord knows we need community – people to live life
with us and point us to Him. For me, community sometimes has to
cross countries or oceans, phone lines or data plans, but no matter
how it comes, it is powerful. God is so faithful. How I pray that
you have at least one person in your life who you can share your
heart with and who can provide you with insight and exhortation to do
the right thing. I don't know how you could survive without it!
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